More Broad Smiles

Coming from me on the gay wedding issue. In today's LA Times (calendar section, subscription required):

San Francisco's historic decision to sanction same-sex civil marriage has been rippling through the city in ways that have been not only sweeping but also unanticipated and at times awkward — even here. Though same-sex couples have long been integral to the Bay Area's cultural fabric, and though the legality of the marriages has been legally challenged, residents gay and straight say the official-ness of the recent ceremonies and the repeated refusal of judges to halt them has made the marriages feel far more real than anyone expected. The result has thrust this famously cosmopolitan city into a state of social confusion regarding the new do's and don'ts of its civic experiment.

There is the new peer pressure. Same-sex couples who haven't committed say they are suddenly being forced into "the talk" about where their relationships are heading. Unattached gays and lesbians say the national media attention has made them lie low, lest the cameras show a love that's less than Ozzie-and-Harriet perfect. So many weddings have happened so fast that even close friends aren't sure who in their social circle is and is not married.

There is the new etiquette. Conversations all over the city have overnight become studded with shy, blushing references to "my partn-- oops! I mean my wife" or "my, uh, husband." Some couples have announced their devotion so many times — coming out to their families, taking out domestic partnership papers, exchanging rings at commitment ceremonies — that one of the running jokes at City Hall is the happy couple with no idea when their anniversary is.

There is the new queer-eye-for-straight-families. Heterosexual parents who thought their young children were worldly enough, just by growing up here, are being peppered with questions many hadn't expected until their kids' adolescence, and that, in some cases, require refresher lessons in tolerance. "My [preschool] boy saw two guys getting married on the news, and I didn't know what to say — he ran into the kitchen yelling, 'Yuck!' " confessed one woman at a gathering of parochial school mothers.

Noted Pramprasert, who applauded the weddings and said she loved raising a daughter in such a diverse city: "She has friends in same-sex households, but when kids hear 'two mommies,' they just think, 'Yay, an extra mommy' — they don't think about what it means."

Or...

Other gay and lesbian San Franciscans say they have been taken aback at the kindness of heterosexuals, even beyond the Bay Area. U.B. Morgan, a 40-year-old sculptor who married his partner last week before the couple left to visit relatives with their 9-month-old baby, said that strangers at San Francisco International Airport guessed they were married and rushed to congratulate them. When they landed in Baltimore, he said, the United Airlines flight attendants went into the first-class cabin and returned with a bottle of wine as a wedding present.

"This stewardess went, 'How can you deny happiness?' " said Morgan, his voice thickening with emotion.

Or...

"Over the Valentine's weekend, when it first started, everyone was ebullient," said Derik Cowan, a 27-year-old sales clerk at a notions shop in the Castro. "But now you're starting to hear, 'Wait a minute.' We're under a microscope. We have to play this just right. We can't afford to be even a little bit imperfect — we can't afford even one couple who might pull a Britney Spears, going to City Hall and then, going, 'Oops! We didn't mean it!' "

That consideration, he said, plus the desire to wait until gay marriage was sorted out and legally tested, helped him and his partner decide against joining the rush to City Hall last week. Wouldn't it be awful, he said, "to end up being the first gay divorcé?"

I totally get the political expediency behind "civil unions not gay marriage" argument and before San Francisco started actually performing the damn ceremonies, I myself was convinced civil unions would have to suffice for now. But after seeing so many incredibly happy people on television and in pictures over the last couple of weeks, I've crossed over from agreeing with strategic decisions to truly understanding that this is a fundamental civil rights issue. I'm actually a little ashamed that I ever felt differently.